I had always hated dancing as a child, but, like so many other things, my mother had insisted upon it. I now know why, for it truly is an invaluable skill for any diplomat.
This was not a diplomatic instance, however.
Shadow held endless wonders; all the dreams I had ever dared to dream and then some lay within it's vast expanse, as well as all the nightmares I had ever forgotten or strived to forget. Yet, through the mesh of worlds, I pulled the cords and fabricated something of my own choosing.
The place was called Lumia, which, oddly enough, had been the name of my anatomy teacher in medical school. The people were virtually infertile, ageless, and peaceful. The time flow had been manipulated to incredibly extents, making it possible for little time to pass in Amber while I dined and danced here.
His name was Kel and he was the prince of one of the larger countries. Things had started up fairly generic between us(I was, after all, a goddess) but had turned into something more.
Love was something I knew little about. I had seen little enough growing up and the extended family did not seem much better. Still, he had touched a part of me which I had not known even existed and I found that I needed him. I loved him and he loved me and I need him to make up for all those years when I had not known what I was missing.
The waltz ended and we made our way to the side, grabbing two cups of rich, red wine while laughing.
"You're having fun," he said, straighting his dark jacket. His hair matched it perfectly.
I laughed. "Is that such a crime?"
He shrugged, still smiling. "You've seemed a bit down lately." My smile flickered. "It's just nice to see you happy again."
I put the glass down on the table, staring into it's ruby depths.
"Shannon?" He touched my shoulder lightly.
I tried to force a smile, but one would not come. I threw my arms around him.
"I have to leave tonight," I whispered into his ear. "I'll be back soon, but I have to leave."
He hugged me back. "Why?" It was a simply word.
Releasing him from our embrace I took his hands and stared at the ground, refusing to meet is emerald eyes.
"I have to go back to my....my home." He let go of my left hand and tilted my chin until he met my eyes.
"Take me with you." It was a simple request.
I pulled away, nearly bumping into a women in a sparkling gown of silver. "I can not." I shook my head. "I would not dare."
He caught my shoulders. "Is your home a place of gods?"
I smiled weakly. "Yes. They do not welcome outsiders there."
"I understand." The religion was so primitive, so simple. It should be, after all, I had envisioned it as so.
He turned from me and took one hand. "Let's walk outside, shall we?"
Nodding, I let him lead me away from the gala affair.
It was spring and the gardens were alive with flowers of all colors.
"I will be back," I said softly, turning to face him. Behind us a fountain shaped like a swan bubbled.
"I know." We kissed in the moonlight.
Music floated on the breeze and the tune was familiar.
"Greensleeves......." I began, but he interrupted me.
"The traditional final dance." Kel stroked my check.
I reached up and took his hand in mine. "We will not make it back in time."
"It doesn't matter." He straightened suddenly and took my hands. "One final dance, my love, before you leave for the land of angels."
In the moonlight we spun, circling the fountain. The final cords rose sharp on the breeze and the dance ended and I feel against him.
"I love you," I breathed into his shoulder.
He stroked my hair. "And I love you." He lifted my head and we kissed one final time.
I ran a hand over his face, trying to memorize the features. "I will return as soon as I can."
He bowed low. "I, lady, shall be waiting."
"Good." I smiled and left the garden, leaving him there by the fountain.
I shifted shadow some first. The gown was truly spectacular, yet I felt uneasy returning Amber adorned in something so formal. The place was truly not my home, yet I had promised my Mother to return and my allotted time was fading.
The gown lost some of it's sheen and the color dulled ever so slightly. By the time I was through with it the silk had transmogrified into cotton.
I was far from Lumia then and I took my trump deck from one of the two cleverly concealed pockets in the gown.
Fiona gazed up at me in a costume of green velvet, her carmine hair curling about her shoulders.
The contact was not instant, but it was easy none the less.
I smiled. "Hello, Mother."
"Shannon." She smiled back at me, closing a book and setting it to one side. She stood, draped in a gown of emerald silk. "You look lovely in a dress. I often despaired of ever getting you in one as a child."
"I am no longer a little girl." It was good to see her.
She offered me her hand accompanied by gentle laughter. "So I see."
I stepped through, the contact closing around me.
We embraced and she sat me down, insisting upon hearing of all my travels in shadow then and there.
I related almost everything from my dealings with minor demons to being trapped the labyrinth of night to my expanded abilities with trumps. I had experimented and had gained certain skills which she had mentioned, but not taught. She promised to help me perfect my skills later.
I chose to omit Lumia for my own reasons. There were some things even a mother was not privileged enough to know.....
When I finished she told me of Amber's recent affairs. Caine had been assassinated and she had a suspect, but she refused to elaborate more and swore me to secrecy on that which had shared. She told me of Dalt, whom she believed to be another child of Oberon, and of the growing threat of Corwin's Pattern.
"I'll take you there," she said. "In the morning."
"What?" I looked up from my glass of wine. I had not been planning on staying more than a few hours.
She smiled. "I shall take you to see Corwin's Pattern. It's quite fantastic really."
I shook my head. "I have seen Corwin's Pattern before. Studied it some."
"Yes, but something else has appeared there."
I put down my wine glass. "Ghosts?"
She smiled. "Yes, ghosts."
When I had first traveled into shadow I had spent some time at Corwin's Pattern, the place once wholly fascinating me. Then there had been strange occurrences. People who were there one second, gone the next. It had been very unnerving.
"I thank you, but I would rather not." I looked way, not meeting her eyes.
The shock in her voice was evident. "Why?"
"I had not planned on staying more than a few hours," I began.
"Nonsense." Fiona's voice was stern. "Really Shannon, it's time you took up residence here. You've had a taste of shadow, but the true power lies here with the Pattern."
Power........
"I am not sure. I do not fit in....."
"Do not be ridiculous." Her tone of voice told me what she thought of that excuse. "You are my daughter. You are Amber blood. Random may be King, but we sorcerers are what truly keep Amber afloat."
"Perhaps." My voice was quiet.
"Stay the night and travel with me the Corwin's Pattern in the morning. Humor me in that, at least, Shannon." She was pleasant enough, but there was a undertone that meant "no" would not be accepted.
"Very well." I sighed, though I smiled. "If it will make you happy."
"Good girl," she said, standing and patting my shoulder. I leaned back as she went to talk someone about securing a guest room for the night. I was, indeed, tired and the wine had gone straight to my head......
We left in the early morning for Corwin's Pattern astride two gorgeous stallions of pure white. Fiona supplied me with riding clothes and we left Amber.
However, we did not seem to travel in shadow exactly. We traveled through darkness and she explained to me that we were taking a "short-cut." Indeed, Corwin's Pattern, which is near the Courts of Chaos themselves, was reached by us on horseback in less than an hour.
"I am impressed," I said as we rode nearer.
She smiled atop her mount. "Someday, Shannon, someday."
The rush of power I felt when near Corwin's Pattern was incredible. True, it was not THE Pattern, but it was a powerful bit of magic just the same.
From a distance we observed for a time, glimpsing few ghosts, but comparing many observations from various occasions. I had, at one time, been very interested in Corwin's Pattern, but the ghosts had, literally, scared me away.
I learned much that day, about the make up of our universe. The balance of power between chaos and order had never been so thoroughly described to me before.
"I need to go," I said finally. I had not meant to spend so much time away from Lumia.
My Mother frowned. "I had hoped to cajole you in to returning with me to Amber."
I shook my head. My voice firm I said, "I can not."
She gave me an odd look, perhaps surprised by my stubbornness. "Very well. The offer is always open, however."
"I know." I reached over and squeezed her hand.
We parted company, my stallion returning to Amber with her.
I shifted shadow once more and found more appropriate clothing. A skirt of deep red with a white blouse and matching vest. Then I used a trump to return to Lumia.
Things had not changed much, leaving me to believe that not much time had past. I had altered the time flow, but it couldn't have been more than a few months.
I found Kel easy enough, asking the servants where he might be found.
The library had always been one of my favorite places.
He was there, but he wasn't alone.
A girl with thick honey colored hair and a richly embroidered dress of yellow sat next to him on the floor, laughing.
"Hello, Kel." My voice was not as self assured as it should have been.
He looked up, his eyes meeting mine, the laughter draining from them. He turned and whispered something to the girl, who gave me a look, then left through the doors on the far side of the room.
I closed the doors I had come through, leaving us alone together.
"Who was she?" I asked, finally, desperate to break the silence between us.
He spoke very softly, rising form his spot on the floor. "My fiance."
"What?" I could not believe not I was hearing.
"She's a princess of a neighboring country. My father arranged it." He did not look at me as he spoke.
"You could of said 'no'." My outrage was apparent.
He almost laughed. "Do you know how long you've been gone?"
"A few months, why?"
"A few months?" His jaw dropped. "Shannon......." He started towards me, then stopped.
I blinked. "How long has it been?"
He told me and I stood, stunned. I had meant to increase the time flow, but not that much.
"That long........."
"I'm sorry," he said softly, not meeting my eyes.
I stood there, shocked and confused. "I love you." They weren't words really, rather breath forming sounds, but he heard them just the same.
"I don't pretend to understand your power," he said softly, turning away and staring out the window. "You're a Goddess, I know that. I've always known that." He turned and gazed at me. "But you're here, then you're gone. You can't expect to me wait for a lover who disappears for centuries at a time."
The time flow. I had almost forgotten. The rapidness had been used to give me more time. It had never really sunk in how long it was for him between visits. I had never meant to increase it so.........
I licked my lips, nervous, uncertain. "I would give it all up for you. All of it."
"Damn it." He balled his hands into fists. "That's not what I want."
"Then what do you want?" My voice was broken. I would give him anything, do anything.......
He sighed. "I love her, Shannon."
I shook my head, not believing what I was hearing. "No."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He turned towards me, tears in his eyes.
I just stood there, shaking my head. "No."
"I....I loved you once, but after time those feelings, those feelings faded....." He stopped, not knowing quite what to say.
It had been my fault, all of it. Had I stayed here, had I not gone back to Amber he would still love me. Had the world been a perfect place, he would never have stopped loving me.
"I read a fairy tale once, when I was very young, about a beautiful princess who was to marry her prince....."
He stared at me wide eyed. "Shannon, I can't understand what you're saying."
Without meaning to I had begun to use the musical language of my youth.
"But, on the eve of there wedding, he fell in combat. She would not let him go, however, and took his body and hid it in the woods and there she stayed, binding the wound in his chest with fresh linen daily."
"Shannon!" He put his arms on my shoulders, but I shrugged him off with enough force to knock him to the ground.
"So much love did she put into preserving her lovers dead body, that the plants around them flourished and bright flowers rose from dust, a stream from stone. Then one day her lover awoke from the slumber of death."
I stared down at him, for he lay on the floor, tear stained face contorted with pain and fear.
"Do you know what happened when he awoke?" I continued in that same, unrecognizable tongue. "All the flowers withered and turned to dust and the stream dried up, for when the prince awoke the princess gave him all her love and there was not enough left for the forest around them thrive."
Tears began to stream down my face. "Not enough love," I breathed it in Thari, recognizable to him.
I was trembling. At some point tears had started to fall. I ran. I did not want to think about him or anything else, I just wanted to get away from it all.
Behind me I could hear him calling my name.
Laughter rose from deep within me. My haven, my home away from Amber and all I wanted to do was be rid of it.
I ran out of the palace, not caring what the staff thought.
"Damn you all," I muttered. "Damn you all and me, too."
Finally, blinded by tears, my heart pounding less from exhaustion and more from emotional pain, I fell. My skirt ripped and my knees were bloodied.
I sat there a long time, sobbing, staring at my skinned knees. It had been a long time since any part of me had been bloody, but somehow the physical pain was good. It made the emotional damage more distant.
My chest hurt even though my breathing had returned to normal. Pain knifed through the left side of my body as I sobbed.
I had loved him and he loved me, but I had destroyed it. And for what?
Power.
Power, the one thing I held above all else. No. Not everything. Had I known things would turn out this way I would not have gone to Corwin's Pattern. I would not have stayed to hear all that Fiona had to tell. No power, no knowledge was worth destroying love.
I fell back, stones jabbing me, dust blowing my face, and gave a wordless scream of anguish. Then there was nothing.
"In the silence my tears unfold," I softly chanted. "In the darkness my fears, behold. If only I could turn back time, and make sense of the rhyme that was our love."
I relaxed, the pain draining from my chest as I continued to quote Lilia Baxter. She'd been quite popular in Kysondra. Finally, I ran out of quotes and I just lay there, breathing as the sun crashed into the ocean down below.
Walking to Amber was an option, but I did not feel able. Lumia was far, far away from Amber's fair shores.
Standing, I brushed the dirt off best I could and began to walk down the mountain. The first thing I erased was the castle then, slowly, but surely, the sky, the sun, the mountains, the very earth it's self.
After a time I stood in a desert of turquoise sand, alone aside from the blazing green ball which hovered in the heavens.
I pulled my trump deck from my belt and thumbed through until Amber's card graced my finger tips. Slowly, I pulled it from the pack and focused.
I stepped through easy enough, arriving in the main hall. Lady luck seemed to be in a horrible mood, for there, less than twenty feet from me, stood my mother still adorned in her riding attire.
She turned from the servant she had been addressing and gazed at me, her mouth forming a tiny "O" of surprise.
"Shannon!" she exclaimed, quickly rushing to my side. Dazed, I let her take my arm.
She held me at arms length and looked me up and down. "Whatever has happened to you?"
"Hello, Mother." I smiled faintly, still trembling. "I have decided to take you up on your offer."
Her mouth closed forming an irritated line.
"Never mine that." She began to lead me off down hall. I followed, numbly.
"Not enough love," I mouthed. If she noticed she did not say a thing.
We entered her rooms and she immediately sat me down in an plush chair of oak and velvet.
Across from me was a mirror atop a dresser I saw what had given my Mother such a fright.
My hair was disheveled and highlighted with pale dirt, which had also found it's way on to my face and blouse, tinting the red ever so slightly. My skirt was ripped all the way across the front and dried blood caked my knees. Upon further inspection I saw that there was blood on the sleeves of my blouse and saw that a hole had formed, cutting through one layer of fabric, on my left shoulder.
I was in shock. Never in my life could I remember looking so horrid.
"Here." Fiona re-entered with a porcelain wash basin and a towel the color of emeralds. Depositing the basin atop the dresser, she dipped the towel in the water and proceeded to wipe the dirt off my face.
I grabbed her wrist, gently, but firmly.
"I am a big girl, Mother," I said, taking the towel from her. "I can do that."
She frowned, but stood to one side as I washed the dirt from my face. I stood and put the towel in the basin, knowing quite well that an actual bath would be required. I stood there in silence. My own dirty, brooding reflection stared back.
I jerked as Fiona put a hand on my shoulder.
"Shannon," she said softly.
Turning away, I shrugged her off. I hugged myself and turned so that I was facing neither her, nor the mirror.
"I need a bath," I said firmly, all the sadness gone from my voice.
"Of course. I'll have the servants draw one up." She took me firmly by the shoulders and sat me down again. I leaned back and closed my eyes, not wanting to see the dirty, disheveled face in the mirror once more.
It was not sleep exactly, but I was not truly awake. Somewhere between the realm of morning and night, dream and true slumber.
And in that world of my own subconscious I danced, adorned in a gown the color of fire, and a smile the hue of love.......